Feedback Tip: Shame can change micro-behaviors, but not transform them.
In a very recent experience with a supervisor-type, I was getting the usual spiel about being late on an assignment. And I’ll admit, I was in a deep shame spiral about it. Avoiding it. Beating myself up over it. Avoiding people who are vaguely associated with that task. It was deep.
Sometimes I can spin myself out of them, and other times, I hit rockbottom and have to be pulled out by a team with a blowhorn and a strong pully-system. This time was the latter. I’m not proud of it, but I am also not ashamed of my shame.
So, I am slowly coming out of my shame spiral. I am on the phone with my supervisor-type ready for our two hour long conversation that will feel normal (it wasn’t) and then for her stern talking to at the end. I must note here, as I have already disclosed her gender, woman, I must note that she is a white woman. I think this is important to note because the intersection of race and gender presents us with a differentiated way, in which, white supremacy culture is manifested in behavior.
So, already we are seeing the avoidance of conflict. Right now, I am held hostage by not knowing whether I am supposed to initiate the conflict and name what I am late with and apologize, or am I expected to continue as normal to convince her that I am okay, that she is okay, and that me being late on a project had nothing on God’s (used to be) green earth to do with her? I am emotionally hostage in this conversation because she has something over me. I must engage, I am expected to agree, and it’s because I am on the bad side of her behavior chart.
There are many moments in this conversation that left me in tears by the end (I am human and am not afraid to be soft and gentle when I am hurt), but I think it’s important to focus on the way shame often creeps into our feedback when addressing work performance (or anything really).
Here’s a snapshot from my imperfect, human memory. 1 hour and 48 minutes into the conversation
Supervisor-Type: Okay, so what happened with the task you had to do?
Me: Well, I first want to apologize for being late on the …
Supervisor-Type: I mean, I thought I had done something wrong and that you couldn’t come to me, and you know, If you needed more time you could have just asked me for it.
Me: Thank you for saying that, and it was not you. It was me and this happens, when I get overwhelmed and then, you know, I was in a shame spiral about it.
Supervisor-Type: You are hardworking and responsible, so when you make a mistake, I know something must be wrong.
Me: Things were wrong, I was overwhelmed and feeling a lot of things. And I just went into a shame spiral. I will get it done.
Supervisor-Type: Alright, we need to run reports this week. Can you get it to me by that morning? Then I can hand it over to the person and we’ll be all set? [she continued on with more details to create clarity on why this deadline]
Me: Great! I can get that done. I am finishing up.
Supervisor-Type: Okay, sounds good then. Just you know, just no more shame spirals. Okay? I was thinking that I did something wrong and you couldn’t come to me for some reason.
Me: I will have another shame spiral. It’s my thing and everyone has something and this is my thing. And it’s because I know there’s an expectation that I am hard-working and responsible, so when I make a mistake, I get really upset at myself. Again, I appreciate you being understanding, but I can’t promise no more shame over something that is so deep in me.
Supervisor-Type: I know, I know. Just let me know if you need anything when that happens. Just tell me you need another month and that is always okay.
Me: Thank you. I will try. tears.
SCENE.
Let me say this. This is not a horror story tale from supervision. This is the norm for most feedback and accountability practices in organizations. Someone makes a mistake. The person in charge of that person (WILD), is responsible for telling that other human being they made a mistake, tell them why that mistake is bad, and then set a consequence or corrective action. When you erase the power dynamic (over, not with), this isn’t awful.
What I ask us to consider is the way in which shame is neatly woven into what is meant to be a compliment/affirmation.
You are hardworking and responsible, so when you make a mistake, I know something must be wrong.
How nice, right? She said I was hard working and responsible. Those are two things you want people to believe about yourself. And trust me, I know she believes it about me. Here’s the thing about shame though, it doesn’t matter what she thinks about me, this is about what I think about myself. And whether we are in supervision or in a normal feedback session, when we are coaching/guiding/mentoring for transformation, we hold that what is most important to understand is what the person receiving the feedback believes about themselves.
Even if the person is deeply motivated by external factors (awards, public acknowledgment, approval of peers), we cannot use our praise to help someone overcome a deep negative thought that they have about themselves. In this case, what the supervisor-type did not know is that I am deeply insecure about being late and unable to complete tasks because of time management.
I will note here that I am VERY good at completing tasks and projects and often it is done very well. The reason why I am so good at it? Beause I am deathly afraid of what it means about me if I am not. Make sense? It’s a big spinning loop of self-harm. Everyone has their thing and this is mine. I wish I didn’t, but I haven’t been able to shake it. Yet, I have learned how to lower the volume on that voice.
So, what should she have done?
Listen to the answers to the questions she asked. Sometimes, people really suck at asking questions. But most times, folks ask the right questions, but don’t know how to make space for a response. Maybe she was afraid of how I would answer the question, “So what happened with the task you had to do?” I was scared too, but I was ready to outline exactly what happened. I know the timeline. I know when I got scared. I know when I felt the courage come back to me, and I know when it disappeared and I went chasing after it down the well. Giving someone space to explain themselves with true listening, allows people to be truthful without fear of judgment.
Name the conflict in the beginning of the conversation and trust the relationship and time connecting will repair the discomfort. I have been guilty of this early in my leadership, where I want to make sure the person loves me for as long as they can in the meeting, and I drop the bomb at the end of our time together. “Soooo, by the way, you have been late 4 times in 5 days and next time, you will be terminated. Read this document and sign here. Let me know if you have any questions.”
As a survivor of child abuse that feels like when your parent pretends like nothing you did is wrong in public, but the moment you get safe in your own home, you get hit and punished for something you did hours ago. You can feel that the anger and resentment of your behavior is seeping through each of their whacks or slaps or thumps.
In my head, all I can think about is how she held onto this the entire time and how everything she had said before this moment was tinged with disappointment in me and how I made her feel. Name it upfront and early to avoid any shaming or the need to mask emotions.
Keep her feelings out of it. Even though I am the person who made the mistake because she is my supervisor-type, her responsibility is to help me grow and learn in this moment. While she can name the impact on the professional relationship, it is not helpful for me to hear that she was feeling bad about herself because I was in a shame spiral. Now, that could have been helpful if I was given a chance to articulate what was happening for me. Hearing from her the impact on our relationship could be useful to know how much I am loved and thought of, even when I make mistakes, instead, she used it to shame me for making her feel undesirable and unlovable. Tell the person you care about them and want to work through this moment together. Then do it together. Make up a plan for repair while you are in the same space.
Making a mistake does not mean something is wrong with a person. This one is hard to write about because everyone fuckin does it and it is absolutely awful. We all make mistakes all day long. My number one mistake everyday is not remembering how many scoops of coffee I need for a pot. My second biggest mistake, always spilling the coffee grinds. Third biggest mistake… spilling coffee when I am pouring it into my mug.
One simple task, three mistakes. And yet, I don’t feel like a horrible person for not remembering the number of scoops or for not slowing down when pouring. I don’t become paralyzed by the mistakes. I still make coffee for myself every damn day and sometimes again in the afternoon ( different time, same mistakes). Yet, there are some mistakes we make that can really hit at a deep insecurity about ourselves. The thing is, none of this is quite rational although we can better understand why someone would enter a deep shame spiral for some behaviors more than we would for spilling milk (yup, I sometimes even over pour the cream).
Since there is no way for the observer to tell what gets another person’s survival brain to drive the present human experience, we shift our attention towards the specific behavior and not the person’s intentions. We ask more questions. We listen more. And we don’t make statements about something being wrong with a person. Shame makes us believe that because we did something wrong, we are unworthy.
A better way to phrase it, “You work really hard and are very responsible. I appreciate that about you and you have shown me you can do this work. I can tell something different was happening here. What do you think that was?”
Always ask a question to allow the person to do their own reflection and build their awareness of the issue. While you’re giving feedback or practicing accountability, you are probably doing it wrong if you are talking more than the other person. Giving someone the space to name their challenges and potential reasons for why is you giving them a chance to reclaim their dignity, their voice and their experience as a fully human being who gets to make mistakes without being a mistake.
